No one likes to admit defeat, but there comes a time when you can no longer carry on trying to save a marriage. So once you have faced the fact that you are getting divorced, how do you deal with it? MIRIAM CRAIG finds out

There are daunting issues to be resolved when a marriage comes to an end, and it is here that many people begin the long slog through solicitors' offices and courts, often leading to legal battles that can be hugely draining - on the emotions as well as the finances.

But there is an alternative. Every year, the North London Family Mediation Service (NLFM), in Ballards Lane, North Finchley - part of National Family Mediation - helps 130 couples to come to an amicable agreement on arrangements for children, property and finances after a separation.

Although the service is part of the national relationship counselling charity, Relate, it is not a counselling service. On the contrary, it is intended for people who have decided - however reluctantly - that they definitely want to separate.

Martin Earl, the mediation service manager at NLFM, said: "We allow a safe space for a couple to come together with a trained mediator to negotiate their own arrangements."

Mediation, also called alternative dispute resolution (ADR), is used to settle both business and family disputes. But it is especially suitable for families, where there is more incentive to try to make the divorce as painless as possible, particularly when children are involved. Mr Earl said: "Mediation helps a couple direct their attention towards the children and their own real needs, instead of fighting each other and getting embattled."

Maria Jackson, 39, a garden designer of Summerlee Avenue, East Finchley, used the service when she and her husband were divorcing in 2001 after ten years of marriage. Their daughter, now 11, was six at the time.

Ms Jackson said: "I was recommended to go to mediation by my solicitor. When we went into it we expected them to just tell us what we were entitled to.

"In the first meeting they explained that it was us who had to go through this process with them, and work it out for ourselves. We thought what's the point?' But we took a leap of faith and decided to do it."

NLFM has existed for 15 years and has five trained mediators who work for the charity on a sessional basis.

Each session lasts one-and-a-half hours and it usually takes up to three sessions to come to an agreement about contact with children and where they should live, or three to six sessions when property and finances are involved as well.

Ms Jackson said: "You're both together in the same room with the mediator, and you have two boards in front of you - one with your partner's resources and needs, the other with yours.

"So suddenly you can see what you have in front of you and it makes it much easier to be reasonable."

Managing feelings in mediation is made easier because everything that is said in sessions with the mediator is confidential and legally privileged, so cannot be used later in court.

But mediation does not bypass the court system altogether. Mr Earl said: "We encourage people to get in touch with solicitors at the beginning and end of the process, to check that what they've agreed is really in their interests."

It is certainly a method that has an extraordinary success rate. Research has shown that most couples reach agreement in mediation in only a third of the time it would take if they negotiated the same agreement through solicitors. Yet still many divorcing families may be suffering through a lack of awareness about mediation.

There are other advantages for families too. Mr Earl said: "It has enormous financial benefits for couples. Normally a divorce costs about £10,000, but we have known extreme cases where it's cost up to £80,000.

"As a charity we have a sliding scale of fees for people on lower incomes, and mediation is free for those on the lowest incomes."

For more information about the North London Family Mediation Service visit its web site at www.northlondonfamily mediation.org.uk or call 020 8343 9899.